Monthly Archives: January 2007

Friends

 

Introspection & Retrospection

 

The last few weeks have been a bit emotional for me, with lots of horrible, sad memories and emotions from last year, forcing their way back into my life.

 

When I first started this blog, it was a reaction to many things that were going on around me at the time.

 

Peer pressure was one factor, having a bit of a laugh another,but the main one was the loss of my gran.

 

I wanted to tell people about her, but I wasn’t sure, no not the right word….. confident …composed… ready enough, I don’t know, but whatever it was,  I wasn’t.

 

What I didn’t want was for her to be forgotten , but  I had to pick the right time, and the anniversary of her passing, when she would have been 100 seemed perfect.

 

The right time.

 

There’s a song by a group called New Model Army called Ambition, the bit that really struck a chord is this part:

 

And when she’s gone forever, please don’t lay her down to rest
In a quiet little churchyard along with all the rest
Throw a great big party to remember that she lived
Give her headlines on the TV to remember who she is

 

Which seems to sum it up.

 

My entry One Year On, about my feelings for her, has had the most hits of all the other entries put together, and I have had the pleasure of making the acquaintance  of some lovely people, folks  that I don’t think I would ever had met or conversed with if not for that one entry.

Carole, Sarah, Foxy, Shelly ,Tinks ,Holly, Lea, all  kind people who took the time to read my entries, give me support, through words and deeds, leave comments and just be there, at the end of cyberspace.

 

 

Perversely, because of the friends that I have made, who now know a little bit about her, I have achieved my aim.

She wont be forgotten, and as long as msn don’t delete my space ,some where in cyberspace she will always be remembered, for someone to come across one day and wonder “ what was she like? “

 

 

For that reason I have considered finishing this blog, ending on a high, so to speak, leaving “ One Year On”  as an epitaph both for her and the Olde Seadog, the circle having been completed, …as it started so would it finish… but after much thought I changed my mind, for many reasons, but the main one being that already stated above…

 

Friends.

 

Thank you all.

 

 

XXX

 

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One Year on

 
This time last year I was in the hospital visiting my gran, who had had a stroke in December.
I was patently obvious that this was the one, and it was just a question of time as to when she was going to die.
It was a Monday night this time last year, and she was on her last legs, literaly.
I thought, we all thought ,that if she saw the end of the week out.. well she would be very lucky.
But she had been strong, and you never know,sometimes people manage impossible things.
As we left her bedside that night, and said our farewells, little did we know that that would be the last time we would see her alive, and at 2.40am on Tuesday 10th January she passed away.
It’s one of the worst things, getting a call at 2.30 in the morning.
Never good news.
It wasn’t unexpected, but I think that because of her inner strength is was a surprise.She had battled all her life, but this was just too much for her.
I wrote this the next day, and this is the first time anyone has seen it.
 
For someone who was very dear to me.
 

My gran died last night.

Her name was Catherine

Catherine May Nash.

I look at the photos I have taken of her, and feel so sorry that someone that I loved very dearly isn’t here any more.

I miss her sounds and sights, her laughs and cries, her sense of humour, her sweetness and kindness, but most of all  I miss her.

Death is so final, the end for every thing here.

No more chats

No more chuckles

No more laughs

No more struggles

No more pain

Just peace

All the memories, 99 years of them, gone like snow flakes in the sunlight.

No chance now to ask her

 

The essence of who she was still pervades her room.

I think of some of the things she did, made the effort to do, even though she probably wasn’t really interested in what I had to show her.

 My bike out the back, I was so proud, even more so when Gran made the effort to get out the back and have a look.

Going up the stairs to the Chinese..a struggle for many a more able bodied and younger person, but she still did it.

More than once.

If we wanted her to be there, then she was going to try her hardest to oblige.

What strength, what character.

We didn’t always get on, but as time has passed we had developed a bond as we both explored each others personalities, sometimes finding welcome surprises for both of us.

We talked about lots of things, moving to the Midlands , her house, her pets, her life as a youngster, growing older,

Her life nearing the end.

What was to come next.

Although a practicing catholic she was scared, scared not of dying I think, scared of what was to come next, at the end of her life.

She had had enough, she was 99 years 15 days old when she died.

 

My Gran died last night.

 I used to tell her that it wasn’t long to go, and soon she would be receiving a telegram from the queen. I sometimes liked to think that she was willing herself on to reach the century just to please me.

Lying in a hospital bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, desperately trying to make us understand what she was telling us, but the words that were making sense to her were coming out all jumbled, then out of no where , clear as a bell, would come a statement

“ I don’t want that”

“ I want some water please”

99 not out I said to her on her birthday, she so nearly made it.

We did tell her and I think she knew.

 Nodding her head in agreement  “yes”

 We have had a few scares with her over the years, but mainly just recently.

Falling down the stairs, thank God she was here, if that had happened when she was living alone, God only knows what would have happened.

I thought we had lost her then, but her strength of will and spirit pulled her through and she made a good recovery, never the same, but not far off.

Falling over in the bathroom twice, again thank God for my mum, what would have happened if she wasn’t there?

Again she pulled through, got on with her life, made us all proud of her resilience.

I used to talk about her all the time at work, telling anyone who would listen about my Gran, who was 96, 97, 98 years old.

About how well she was, and how she had still “got all her marbles”

She couldn’t hear very well, and as time went on , she couldn’t see very well, but she carried on, living her life, being Gran

.

I used to call her Gran, she liked that. Sometimes I would call her Mrs. Nash or Mrs. N which used to tickle her

It wasn’t unexpected, but was a shock  for all of us who had shared her ups and downs over the past 6 weeks.

Memories that wont go away, a feeling of loss so great, knowing that there will be no more chatting, no more being there, nothing.

A deep void of emptiness where once a person was,lived laughed, cried, died.

She is at a better place now, no more aches and pains, no more worries,

And I know that I will miss her, we all will.

 

Goodbye Gran, no not goodbye, ciao, andio, tara, bye bye,

Until we meet again

 

x x x

x x x

 
 
My Gran

New Years Resolutions

 Well folks, that was it.. 2006, Xmas, New Year, Hangover,  now
New Years resolutions.
 
I never usually do New years resolutions, mainly because I can never keep to the fucking things, but last year I vowed to lose 2.5stones and by sheer force of will, and many many days and nights of feeling like my throat had been cut, I finally managed to do it.
 
Unfortunately due to the previously mentioned christmas excesses ,my girth has once more increased, and the lovely semi lithe shape so gruelingly obtained over the past 12 months, has gone to the tip along with all the other rubbish.
Tits!
ok this is perhaps a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the picture, so….
 
 Resolution Factor Time
 
 Resolution 1: Get down to 12 stones or less.
 
This one is obtainable I think , so has a Res Factor of 10, meaning a dead cert.
 
Resolution 2 : Wear everything in my wardrobe at least once this year (excludind pants and socks).
 
hmm, this one is harder for more than one reason,
 
a) I do have quite a lot of togs, some of which I have had a long time ( and definitely won’t fit so they don’t count ) ,
 
b) Some of the aforementioned togs are so old they might just come back in to fashion in about 20years , so possible embarrasment here,
 
c) Mrs.Dog will have to wash the worn clothing afterwards.
 
This last point might actually be the one that blows it,  so after much consideration I have given it a Res factor of 5,
meaning could be done, with a little bit of persuasion. 
 
 
Resolution 3 : To have a complete day of no swearing.
 
This one is even harder that Res 2, mainly due to the fact that I work with a load of blokes, and swearing ( whilst deplorable me lud ) is part of the day, and as soon as I mention a no swearing day, the wicked bastards will do their level best to help me break this resolution.
 
Plus it would have to be a carefully selected day with no football matches to attend, or  even go watch , as for some reason footie tends to bring bad language forth…though if you had watched some of the performances I have you would understand why!
Therefore I have given this a Res factor of ….1,
meaning that I really have fuck all chance of completing it.
 
Oh well , you can’t win them all!
 
To everybody that has made resolutions
 
Good Luck!! 
 
and to those that haven’t…..
 
Good decision!!   
 
See you soon!!
 
 
 
 

Tooth forty five

 Phew!
 
That’s a relief, got away with only 2 fillings on the top, though the biggie that needs doing on the bottom will have to be done at a later date.
Got to go back on the 26th January at 8.30am which entails a very early start for me..
Tits!
 
My foot is throbbing a bit, but feels better when I move it, which is the complete opposite of gout, which only feels better when
 
a) it gets better
 
b) you have your foot chopped off.
 
Happily for me  and me poor old still fully connected paws, item b has not yet had to happen!
 
Oh well , onwards and downwards – back to work
 
See you soon!
 
 
 

Tooth hurtee!

 Well folks, after the excesses of christmas and getting ballisticaly pissed over new year, I have decided to go on a fitness regime.
Yup, no more beer ( bollocks! ), wine or high calorie stuff, so kebab meat & chips is right out!
Coupled with a xmas pressie off Mrs. Dog of a Golds Gym exercise bike, ( I asked for it .. oK! ) my new regime has started off with a bang… which has rapidly become a whimper, because I think I have sprained my flipping foot doing too much pedalling…
Double Bollocks!
I have done about 60 miles on the infernal contraption, in a few nights, the last 2 being 13miles & 6 miles last night.
This doesn’t sound much, but for a usualy sedate old dog like meself ma’am, it IS quite a lot.
Its either that or …. GOUT! 
This is a particulary nasty afflication, caused by the build of of purines in your bloodstream, which cause crystals to build in in your joints, which then causes the afflicted part to react against the crystals ( which by the way are VERY VERY painfull) , and swell up, become very tender and even more painfull to touch.
The only way to describe how this feels is it is like someone has dropped a flagstone on your foot, so it feels like its broken, then just as your are thinking fuck me that hurt, some other tosser goes and pours 2 gallons of scalding  hot water  over it as well.
Bastards!
Nowbefore you all start thinking that I have been eating beeef and venison and quaffing vast quantities of Chateau Neuf du Pape ( classy froggie Red vino), and Cockburn Port, that is not the only way to get this condition.
Not drinking enough water also causes the crystals to build up, and while I have been drinking water, I have also been sweating cobbs whilst pedalling like fuck on me new procured and previously mentioned exercise bike.
Hmmm.. I hope its not,  or its 2 weeks of shit for me.
 
It will be home James and the administration of some indomethacin tablets to reduce the swelling.
Further updates will become available as the swelling and ache either increase or decrease.. hopefully.
And if thats not enough, its off to the dentist in 45mins for me for at least 2 fillings , maybe even three, ( long overdue maintenance, not bad teeth!)
Triple bollocks!
 
Look like a great start to 2007 for me.