Guilt and Regrets

I feel very sad and upset today,
Full of  feelings and emotions that won’t go away.
They keep flooding my senses with memories and thought,
Of the last 12 months, and things I think that I ought
To have done to care more for my elderly lady,
To look after Mum, as she did for me as a baby.
We did a lot, but I feel we could’ve done more,
Though it might not have stopped her falling on the floor.
I feel so guilty that we weren’t here for her then,
The time she most needed us, the terrible time when,
She was struggling to live and fighting to stay alive,
While we were  praying she would  somehow survive.
It breaks my heart to think of her so ill,
My body shakes and I try to hold still,
The sobs and the  tears I know will erupt,
And once again my day they’ll disrupt.
Did she know that we weren’t there?
Did she think that we didn’t care?
I’ll never know, because we got there too late,
She had already gone through Heaven’s Gate.
This  feeling of guilt is a terrible thing,
It sits in my head, causing so much aching,
Of my heart, my brain, my body, my soul
Eating away, threatening to  swallow me whole.
I know that we were and are not to blame,
We couldn’t have known how ill she became,
But that doesn’t help with my endless self questioning,
Did I let her down and could I have done more??

4 responses to “Guilt and Regrets

  1. PLEASE try not to let guilt destroy you, my friend. It wasn’t your fault, & I’m sure your mum would be most distressed to see you in such a state. *hugs*

  2. We all tend to blame ourselves in times of stress Seadog…You are grieving for your Mum but please remember she knew you loved her, perhaps she wanted to go on her way without causing you too much pain…Try and remember she loved you too and would feel so distressed to see you blaming yourself for not being there…Take care M8, big smiles from my heart to yours always 🙂

  3. Sorry Lynn, I’ve just found your comment.

    Maybe you’re right, maybe she had enough, but talking to my siblings who were there at the time, I’m not so sure.
    I don’t think for one minute that when she left that house on the 4th July, that she would never go back there agian, and that would be the last time she saw it.
    She was a formidable woman Lynn, a fighter, one way or another all through her life she had been coping with setbacks.
    She was fiercely independant,and his would have been just another set back. She fought for her life with the tenacaity that she had lived it.
    I just wish I could have told her how I felt, how much her loss was going to afect me, and how much I truly loved her for being her, not just because she was my mum.
    Thanks for the advice Lynn, and your kind words, i’ll try to keep them close to my heart
    Love n hugs ( and smiles ) to you too

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