I just have to Reblog this entry, I love the words, the symbolism, the sentiment that these words express, the declaration of love that is stated here.
I wish I had written this myself, but alas I can’t take credit for this brilliant piece of prose.
Give me your love…….
Give me your hand, I will hold it for ever
Give me your smile, I will never let it disappear
Give me your worries, to toss them in the air
Give me your heart, I want to stay in it forever.
Give me your eyes, to see the passion in it
Give me your arms, I want to bury myself within
Give me your faith, I promise to keep it safe
Give me your touch, to let me believe you are not a dream.
Give me your breathe & all the warmness of it
Give me your thoughts, to know what you feel
Give me your dreams, I promise to fulfill
Give me your love & I will love you, as…
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Those who have been through the last 12 months here, will know just how hard this last year has been for me, and for my wife too, looking after me, coping with some pretty wild mood swings, from smiles to tears, to anger in 10 minutes, and making sure that I didn’t do anything “ stupid “ to myself.
If you’ve managed to get this far and ploughed through the last week of entries, well done and thank you for your patience.
What I have tried to do, is to give you an idea of what it was like for me at that time.
The lack of information was awful, sitting on the end of a mobile phone, waiting for it to ring with bad news.. or good even.
Because that’s how it was then…Mum went from being a frail old lady who had had a fall and needed a bit of hospital treatment, to an incurable terminally ill lady in 10 days.
The information that we were all getting was so up and down, we really didn’t know which way to turn.
Poor old Mum went from dying in 24hours – get everybody here as soon as you can – on Monday morning, to needing a 6-8 weeks course of anti biotics – Tuesday – to a regular chest drain every 3-4 days.
Even on the 14th July, her last day, 2 hours before she died, the hospital was planning to carry out the chest drain, and were making plans for her future care and rehabilitation.
When the end finally came, it was quick and catastrophic.
All Mum’s organs failed as the blood poisoning took hold.
And nobody knew.. not us . not the health professionals, no none, except perhaps Mum, who on Thursday in the only lucid moment she had that day, came round and gasped “ I’m dying, I’m dying”
Those last six days of Mum’s life were like the worst roller coaster ride of our lives, with crests of hope so high we were delirious with happiness, to troughs of despair deeper than black holes.
We honestly didn’t know if we were coming or going.
We didn’t know if Mum was coming or going, though we knew that whatever happened then, even if she did survive, she would have really struggled, and it would just have been a matter of time before she finally succumbed.
We had to make some tough calls, and I know for one that I got my big call wrong.
We should have come back straight away, left the gear or sent it DHL. I should have been there, but I wasn’t and now I’ve got to live with that…. That and a million other could have’s and should have’s that prey on my mind when a loose thought triggers my memory.
I still think of her a lot, the pain of grief is still there, and I still miss her so much. I would give almost anything just to go back in time for a day, but I know that’s not going to happen, so I must wait for that day, when the call comes from above, and hope that everything I’ve been told about heaven and the hereafter is in fact true.
My youngest brother ( who has Downs Syndrome ) wrote a eulogy for her funeral.
The simplicity of the words, his view of Mum, are beautiful.
I feel blessed and honoured to have had such a loving and caring Mum
She was sensitive and kind hearted, compassionate but could also be temperamental.
She had a heart of gold, and I want to thank God who gives joy to the world, as we remember the life of a remarkable woman who will never be forgotten.
Our love will never be extinguished because we will be her family forever.
I will never forget the Mum who gave me so much love.
If you have a spare moment any time, say a prayer for her please.
She would have liked that.
And so began the worst 24 hours of my life.
We woke up early as we had to pack, and also because I had received a message from home.
mum had stable night, heart rate up to 70-80, responding a bit when you talk to her, still in pain so had more pain relief. Doesn’t mean she’s out of the woods tho
Thanks Al, that sounds quite good. I’ll take no news as good news. Have you managed to get any sleep yet ? X
We bogged off to a hotel last night and got a good 6 hours. We were not functioning at all yesterday.
Thats good news too, also that mum was well enough to be left 🙂 are the doctors giving her a better chance now or is it still the same outlook but just with a longer time span? X
We left because we could no longer function and they told us to go sleep. Not seen doctor yet so don’t know the answer to your question.
Ok Al, just grabbing at straws
So are we. Dont read too much into my brusqueness, it’s just text language 😉
;-)Okey dokey thanks for telling me. I was a bit concerned 😦
50 years ago
Again the untold story of the texts is that talking to my sister on the phone elicited the information that the doctors had said they were thinking about a chest drain ( more below) and if this was successful, then Mum would have to have it done every 3-4 days depending on how well they cleared up the infection…
EVERY 3-4 DAYS.. that’s what they said, every 3 – 4 days….
I told you mum was a fighter, but this was close on a miracle.
I thought about the email I had sent to my boss the night before.. “ I’m going to look a proper twat – I’ve just told my boss that my mum is dying,she’s got 48 hours to live, and here we are looking at a minimum of 3- 4 days but not only that , an ongoing EVERY 3 or 4 days.
This implied more than one op, and I was ecstatic..
Hope at last!
We finished packing and went to the beach barbecue relatively happy. Happy enough to enjoy it , and not be as miserable as sin.
I had forgotten those words No positive outcome
Stiil on the beach later that afternoon, more messages,
Doctors have decided that that mum is sufficiently stable for her to have a small op later this afternoon to put a drain in her chest to get the rest of the pus out. They think benefits outweigh risks as anti-bs will never clear infection on own and should also make her more comfy.
That’s got to be good news .when will they do op? Good Luck to her , fingers crossed . I’ll wait for news love to all x
They dont know the time yet, but hopefully this afternoon
Okey dokey Ali hugs to everyone especially mum xxx
We said our goodbyes to our friends on the beach,and went back to our room.
Showered and dressed , we were just about to go for something to eat before we went home, when a message arrived.
No news re op time, may be last thing tonight or if surgeon too tired may be tomorrow. We will probably go back to mums tonight if there is no change. I would suggest you go home from flight rather than straight here and then come over in the morning.
Okey Ali, we were just discussing what to do. Do you want me to come to mums first or shall I go to the q.e in the morning.? Also what ward / floor is she on? I gather she is stable now ( good) have the docs said any more about her long term prospects ( or am I grabbing at straws again ) see you tomorrow x
Suggest you come here, area d of critical care, opening visiting, ring the bell and say you’re mrs lords family. Stable is neutral, neither good nor bad, a plateau from which things will either get better or worse and there’s no guide as to which as this point.
Ok thanks Ali, keeping it real 😉 see you tomorrow morning x
We went to our usual restaurant, had our meal, and were just finishing when the phone rang. It was my sister.
“ The doctors have told us that Mum is dying. All her organs have failed and she is in a coma. She’s definitely not going to make it through the night, and you are not going to make it here before she dies.”
My whole world collapsed in front of me. I could hardly speak for crying. It hurts now to write about that night
“ Poor old Mum “ I kept saying.” Please tell her I love her, and I’m going to miss her “
“ I’ll try , but she’s not conscious and she’s in a coma. Do you want to stay where you are? “
I considered this for a few seconds.. part of going home was to see Mum before she died. That wasn’t going to happen now, so what was the point.
My family that was the point, my brothers and sisters who had stood guard over my mums bed for 4 days, waiting for me, their older brother to come back.
I suddenly felt the need to be with them, for their comfort and mine so I told my sister we were definitely coming back on the same flight and we would see them later.
Ok she said, and started to say something else, when she interrupted herself “ We’ve got to go now, I’ll phone you back straight away.
10 minutes later I was just sending
Ali please tell her I love her, I’m going to miss so much & I’m sorry I wasn’t there when she needed me 😥 love to everyone I love you,alla
When I received
Shes gone x
Oh my god !!!!!! 😥
That was it. The rest of the evening was a blur.
I went and sat on the beach, the sea crashing on to the sand, tears streaming from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks and dropping into the dark blue mass of the sea.
For a minute I thought about throwing myself in there too, but I pulled myself together enough to walk back up to the restaurant and announced
“ She’s dead… Mum’s dead! “
We said our goodbyes in a river of tears, I don’t know how we got to the airport, I drove apparently but I don’t remember any of it.
72 years ago
When we got to the airport, my wife told the rep what had happened and asked him to help us check in, which to his credit he did
We then had a nightmare of a check in, with the check in girls demanding that we open the cases up to show them what was in there
“ It’s all fucking dive stuff “ I exploded, tears rolling down my cheeks.
“ ‘I’m sorry “ she said “ I’m really sorry, I have to do this, I have to check, I’m sorry I’m sorry “
She could see what a state I was in, and to be fair it wasn’t her fault, but right then, out of all the times and all the flights I’ve taken in my life, I really didn’t need all this hassle.
We finally checked in and boarded the flight.
I had missed her by just a few hours.
If only’s were running my head then and are running through my head even now.
If only we had got an earlier plane, if only we hadn’t gone on holiday if only if only if only.
Mum was gone and my life was about to change.
Time to go home now and face the future.
This gallery contains 3 photos.
And God WAS willing. Mum made it through the night.. told you she was a fighter! Plans made were plans changed, and they were changing by the minute. We were supposed to be going scuba diving that morning ( … Continue reading
I had originally planned to post about my dad this time last year, to commemorate 30 years since he had died. Unfortunately the events of last July superceeded all other things,and I didn’t have the chance, time , or more accurately the inclination to post anything, as my life was in the process of being turned upside down with my mum’s hospital trip and subsequent demise.
I was going to completely rewrite this blog, but after reading it, I honestly feel that this post ( slightly altered from the original ) really sums up the feelings of 31 years ago.
It was a desperate time, one that I thought I would never get over. I had a real bond with my dad, and his death when I was 23 had a profound effect on my life, and it took me years to get over it.
Unfortunately he died in 1981, after that old cliche, a short illness..
And it was short.
Taken ill just before Fathers day ( ironic isn’t it ), to dead July 12th. He was only 48
Cancer, of the brain, a brain tumour, a nasty insidious evil way for anyone to die.
In less than 2 weeks I had lost my hero , my friend , my dad.
1981 was a strange time for all of us.
My mum and dad had temporaily separated, though it was looking permanent at the time.
Dad had bought himself a flat not far away from the ” family ” domicile, and was struggling with the demands, both emotional and financial of the family, and of holding his career together, trying to see as much of us as possible, but without pressurising us into choices.
He had suffered from a slight paralysis of one side in early June, which the doctors thought was possilby a reaction to the stress of his personal life.
He was scheduled to have tests the week after Fathers Day, and I remember him going to a hospital in Northampton, where some clever and enterprising young intern suggested that this was not ” Hysterical Paralysis “, but had all the halllmarks of a brain tumour, and that he should be tested straight away.
They took him to the neurological hospital not far from here for the tests, and I went to see him on the Sunday.
I hadn’t seen him for a week before that and I was devastated.
He looked like an old tramp, it was shocking, this dapper , educated , sophisticated , proud, professional man …., they hadn’t even bothered to shave or wash him.
We got that sorted out, and after a wash & shave , he looked like a semblance of his former well self.
The results came through on Monday 29th June.
A horrible day….for two reasons.
It was a red hot day, sunny, dry, a beautiful english summer day.
I blew the engine on my motorbike on the way home, and had to push it 3 miles home.
Then the call… horrible.. just like a soap opera,
” Hello, I’m afraid they have found something… it’s a tumour…. a brain tumour.”
“Will he die?”
” Yes….. I’m afraid so…..”
“How long? “
“How long? “
Not long as it turned out, and the next 2 weeks just flew past in a flurry of hospital visits.
I was lucky really, at least I had the chance to tell him how I felt, what it meant to lose him,and to tell him how much I loved him.
It took absolutely ages to be even able to think about him without bursting into tears. I was sitting in a pub one day just chatting, and the floods came on, I was so embarassed..blokes dont sit in pubs blarting.
The emotional scars of that summer are still with all of us one way or another.
Time IS a great healer.. well not a healer really, but as the time passes, memories are not so vivid, hurts not so sharp,emotions are tempered with age and understanding, but I still miss him sometimes, even now over 30 years later.
I never thought that I would out live him, and I always thought that he would be around.
I had some great times with my dad, funny, serious, angry.. but I loved him and still do.
I would have given anything to have swapped places with him at that time.
Enjoy your time with your parents, they are precious times that can never come back.
Gone is gone, until the next life?..
1981….. it was a shit year.
Footnote: I’ve read and re read this post so many times. I remember the pain of that time in 1981 still now, and I take heart from some of the words I have written, especially those about it getting easier after time.
That is very true, things have got easier where my dad is concerned, I can talk about him coherently without getting upset,remember the good times with a smile and not a tear, and take hope that this will happen with my Mum, and that time will ease the pain and sorrow I still feel now.
But this time, the circumstances are different. After Dad died, everything carried on as normal, we were still in the same house, doing the same things, living the same lives more or less, except that dad wasn’t there anymore. There was a huge gap in our lives, but essentially life was the same.
This time EVERYTHING has changed.. Mum has gone, the house has gone, all the old reference points of my life have gone. The break is sudden and complete, all the little familiar things are gone, my favourite places, places where we have shared so many things as a family, things of comfort are all unaccessable now.
There is a danger that my Dad is going to get forgotten in all of this. Mum’s death so close in date to his,albeit 30 years later, seems to have over shadowed the life and death of a brilliant man whom we all loved very much and miss still now.
Rest In Peace Dad xxx